creatively sharing inspired thought one word at a time
After over two months, I’ve finally won, and dragged myself to the keyboard to finish up what I started! Abused and loving it round two!
But before we get into that, I’d love to share a write-up I copied off a friend’s page who had shared another friend’s work, with permission, THE PATH OF THE TANGLED BLOSSOMS by M. N Oluwagbenga ****************************>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<**********************************,
“You’re just too slow. You’re a burden. You’re a liability. You’ve got to be smart. We won’t get to the mountain at this pace, at this rate”.
Those are the words, he hurls at her on a daily basis, on their path, to their greatest longing. She never utters a word. The pain constricting her heart also shuts her mouth. She tries harder. But, she never caught up with him. He’s just too fast for her. She’d love to walk close to him, but he was just too fast.
At a point, they got to a fork. ”Follow me, I have the map”, he said. He did not look back. Like lightning, he hurried towards the neat, worn path. But something tugged at her heart. And, she took the path of the tangled blossoms, she did not know why. The path seem closed, but it beckoned, and she followed.
Bruised, drained, worn, he dragged himself to the foot of the mountain. When he looked up, he saw her, ”the slow one”, radiant on the peak.
Shame filled him, and he waited to be paid back in his own coins. She did not utter a word.
He looked down, wondering how she made it before he did. How calm she looked. Perhaps, there is a wide gulf between wisdom…and… speed.
Reluctantly, he looked up, again — the love and compassion in her eyes, dazzled him.
I wanted to share this the minute after I read it! So instructive!
See how she was full of love and compassion at the end, not condemning, not punishing, not hating despite all the abusive words, the disregard, the lack of care. This is what the society expects of you; to endure, to understand, to magnanimously forgive and it’s not without reason! Yes, that’s the woman as she should be.
Woman has the capacity for all that and ought to really be all that. BUT! That can only be a factor of self-love, self-actualization, fulfillment, contentment, inner peace….and striving. On the path of the tangled blossoms, she was only able to give ‘ love and compassion’ because she stopped, got a hold of her essence and made her way up, the best she knew she could, cutting off the reins with which he pulled and tugged with absolute disregard of what she was or could be. And that’s the catch!
When you are able to break loose from the chain of abuse, and confidently thread your path, at the end of the day, you would have absolutely no room for anger and resentment, much less hate. All these negative, soul wrenching emotions are only able to consume you when in the midst of all the travails and less-than-good-enough life ‘being abused’ can make you live, you are put down and you stay down. You start with self-loathing and then while at it, even later, you are able to give only that which you have, nothing less…or more.
Again, there’s the error of stereotype labeling of the term ‘Abuse’. In many shores, except the pure western, we tend to call it abuse only when it is physical batter, yet, that’s just the height of it all, the one which can easily be seen. But “Ashewo!(whore), “Witch!, Good for Nothing!, Useless woman!; such constant dehumanizing, belittling and insulting words hauled at you on the daily, forceful sex irrespective of your mood and your needs at the moment, unchecked infidelity which you’re expected to overlook and still play your “role” as the wife and the glorified property of the ‘house lord’, ceaseless unkind comments and words which keep you feeling unworthy of the ‘love’ and ‘privileges’ but which are sometimes often followed by a warm hug from behind, a kiss, make-up sex, flowers…….or diamonds, these and many more that don’t get to physical battery are all abuses and will sooner turn you into an unfeeling, hateful zombie or eventually, a beast who does unimaginable things in desperation to survive amidst all the…..trauma.
So that was why I advised a friend of mine to seek psychological and legal help when she said he wasn’t beating her but called her names and told her he’d sooner kill her than allow her kill him as she had killed his father and then his mother, calling her a witch. That’s my friend from Abused and Loving it Part 1, who has three children for her man whom she married after the 2nd child because she thought that would make things better? And, thankfully, she listened.
And let’s not go into the fact that many women hide this ugliness from family and friends for many different reasons. Your family can’t know how horribly abused you are, heavens forbid! “They are going to say they told me so!” “What will my brother do to him if he finds out? Or my father? Who’s going to be the father of my children if something happens to him? Heavens forbid!” And heu! My friends, they will laugh at me, for having such a failed marriage, living in so much unhappiness. For why not? See how happy they all are in there marriages! Mine can’t be the odd one out, the laughing stock behind my back!” And many women go thinking this way and they all pretend to themselves and they all suffer…in silence, getting abused day in, day out….and loving it!
Plus, not forgetting this one, “What will people say? They will look at me and my children funny and call us names.” And the myriads of excuses women love to cook up so they can stay in inhuman situations. And oh yes, this one too, “He’ll get better, I only need to invest more love and sacrifice into the marriage.” But he doesn’t and then one day, you find yourself smiling and finally feeling like a woman…in the company of another man, maybe even the driver! Because maybe, just maybe the driver is one of the few men who understand what Dr. Farrah Gray meant when he said that, “Most men aren’t smart enough to realize that the higher you elevate your woman, the less available she is for other men. When you break her down, you make her accessible to anyone she thinks will treat her better.” Again note the words, ‘anyone she thinks…” she doesn’t even have to know for sure. So the crap continues…
Self-worth, self-esteem, self-actualization, self-love, contentment, inner-peace, call it what you will, but these are all inter-related they could all ball up into one and the same thing, something very important in any relationship. If you don’t have these, you already put yourself up for a trample. And if you lose these, you’ve lost almost everything. And remember, you only lay on your bed the way you make it. So, it’s ok to talk about what you’re going through, you can get help. It’s ok to decide it’s not acceptable and walk away…you’re better off alone than in the wrong company. It’s absolutely ok to decide that it’s enough! The fear that comes with not knowing what tomorrow holds is absolutely normal but then, let me tell you something a friend said to me recently.
You see, she had been married 11 years and never complained for hers is a heart of gold. But 11 years of ‘the sacrifice’ expected from family, friends and the society and two children after, she said enough! And this is an advice she said a friend gave her, “When someone or people decide to play god in your life and you summon up the courage and say, “Enough!” GOD shows up!” This only supports the age old saying, “Heavens help those who help themselves.” So, getting abused and loving it, anyone? It’s time to say, “Enough!” Trust me, there’s always help but you’ll never know until you seek it.